I’m sorry I missed it

Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs in the world. I didn’t realise I was getting things so wrong. I made many mistakes with how I parented my 3 children, unaware they were all neurodivergent. I feel most sorry about how I missed that my 17 year old daughter was autistic and had ADHD. Had I known earlier, things would have been so much easier for us all. I would have done things differently. You can’t change the past, only learn from it and that is what I have done.

My eldest was diagnosed as an adult. Looking back I should have seen the signs. I wasn’t knowledgeable enough about autism and ADHD, and how this condition can present in girls, and so I continued with my conventional parenting style.

I have always worked with families, both as a volunteer and then as a paid employee, supporting families with complex issues and trained to deliver parenting courses, so I felt sure I knew I was doing. Follow the textbook and all will be well, right?

When family life became challenging I chose to believe the narrative that this was because my daughter was still struggling from me and her Dad splitting up. It’s interesting the stories we tell ourselves and how we shoe-horn life in to fit that story.

Home life was not calm. Meal times were tense and went on for hours, trying to get my daughter to finish up all her food, because that’s what the books say. Going to the supermarket was a nightmare because there would usually be a meltdown. Family meals out, holidays, meeting up with friends, were often stressful as I was internally struggling to keep things calm.

It is hard when others look at you because they think you have no parenting skills as your child has a full screaming outburst about something that appears to be insignificant to the outsider.

One particular memory stands out. I was heavily pregnant trying to walk home from town with my daughter, who was a toddler at the time. My daughter was having a meltdown and refused to walk with me. I so desperately needed to get home as I was exhausted, but as she continued to scream and kick I struggled to try and get us both home. From the outside this must have looked bad, I admit it was not my finest parenting hour. A stranger approached me and asked what was going on. I explained I was trying to get home, wanting to show my nicest self whilst feeling desperately stressed inside. She looked at me with suspicion that I was not dealing with the situation properly. I felt judged, made my excuses and moved away. I then felt ashamed, guilt for how I had struggled with my toddler.

This was often how I felt, wrong in some way, a failure, not loving her in the right way, not giving her the stability so that she wouldn’t be so anxious, challenging and unpredictable in her nature. She never slept through, had frequent panic attacks and I felt I had to constantly find things to keep her busy as she would never rest.

What I didn’t realise was that her nervous system was being constantly triggered by her environment. Her little brain was always seeking stimulation and she had no understanding of how to regulate herself. Meanwhile, I would be taking her to loud birthday parties, filling her day with activities, trying to make her eat things she hated and following up ‘bad behaviour’ with consequences and time outs that never worked.

Fast forward to her teenage years and the outbursts became more challenging and my stress continued. I could honestly write a book about my experiences! (My ADHD brain keeps urging me to do so!) I wish I had known then what I know now.

My way of dealing with the stress was to exercise to extreme to feel like I could cope, and overly control my food intake, neither of which were healthy ways to deal with my struggles to keep life calm.

I was missing something else really important, how to regulate myself. I didn’t understand the link between my dysregulated state and my daughter’s dysregulation. Her anxiety and overwhelm were often as a result of me either trying to overcompensate by doing too many activities, or being withdrawn and cut off from her as I didn’t feel I could reach her.

As parents our nervous systems are reacting and responding to our children’s state, often without us even realising. The key for me was understanding this. I now work on how to ground myself first before I respond. I am then in a much better place to help my children regulate themselves to feel emotionally safe. It is a work in progress and I learn new tools all the time.

Family life now is much calmer. My daughter and I now have a lovely relationship with a shared understanding of our autism and ADHD. I thought we were so different. It turns out we are very alike and here we find our deepest connection. I continue to help her to feel calm and she teaches me how to remove the mask in life as a neurodivergent woman.

If you are wanting to learn some effective tools and techniques for a calmer family life then I would love for you to join me on May 11th at 7pm on zoom for a FREE webinar, for parents of children who may be diagnosed, or be suspected as having, ADHD and or autism. Click here to sign up.