Feel the fear and do it anyway?
A well used phrase from Susan Jeffer’s book. How do you feel about it?
I’m mixed about this. I work with fear and I know fear. I suppressed my fears for years and masked them in order to function in the world , this led to me being unwell in many ways. However, there are times when I do feel anxious and I don’t want it to rule me, so I push myself outside of my comfort zone and it helps me build confidence that I can do certain things.
Understanding fear and anxiety
It makes a difference when you understand what fear and anxiety is, why we suffer in the way we do and the purpose behind the fear response.
Until I understood what anxiety was I would confuse it with many other things, like health problems, a heart attack, a feeling like I was going to be sick and I must be ill.
When I understood it is our survival response taking over and panic attacks are the adrenaline in our body giving us the necessary energy to fight or flight (or freeze), then I could begin to feel less afraid of the fear.
I see my clients go through this process. Phobias that are limiting their life experiences or anxiety that is so overwhelming they can’t socialise or go to school. After a few sessions where we talk about what fear is and why we experience it in our body and our mind, coupled with hypnosis that is a powerful aid in reducing the anxiety response, clients begin to recognise they have a choice in how they respond to life events and to not feed the thoughts that lead to more anxiety.
Fear and neurodiversity
When you put neurodiversity into the mix it can become more complex. I specialise in ADHD and autism, as they are my lived experience and that of my 3 children. Many adults and young people who have ADHD and/or autism experience anxiety for many different reasons.
These conditions are on a spectrum and so it depends on the individual, however anxiety is a common symptom.
The fear response can be triggered by overwhelming thoughts, a feeling like you’ve missed something or forgotten something important through to fear of crowded spaces, loud noises or trying to make small talk. Anxiety can develop due to years of camouflaging or masking, which is particularly common in girls and women.
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my 40s and I had suffered with anxiety since I can remember having thoughts. We can become stuck in this flight/fight freeze response over long periods of time and it is exhausting.
Those with ADHD and or autism are triggered on a daily basis due to their internal and external environments and this can lead our nervous systems running on adrenaline and other stress hormones. Common experiences are masking for long periods of time, in relationships with friends or at work, and this requires a lot of nervous energy to keep up this camouflaging.
Communicating the fear
It can be really hard to let others around you know when you are anxious. For children often it can be determined by their behaviour, learning how they present when they are anxious or overwhelmed, watching for the signs. For adults the fear can present in many ways and often goes hidden from others.
It can be a lonely place when you are living with high level anxiety and fear. Being neurodiverse and experiencing anxiety can feel overwhelming and unsettling in many ways. Finding ways to communicate this can sometimes feel impossible as we often struggle to identify how we are feeling or why. To the outside world it can appear that the task at hand shouldn’t cause fear, but if you have ADHD or are autistic then what may be simple for one person may be nearly impossible for another.
Often when we become overwhelmed our survival system kicks in and disconnects us from what is triggering or difficult as a way of protecting us from it. This disconnected experience can lead to people not being able to communicate what is going on for them.
I work with many young people where this is particularly difficult. I understand why parents are concerned when their child won’t share their worries or can’t talk about their feelings. However, what can sometimes be happening is a self protection and until they feel more emotionally ‘safe’ they struggle to communicate what they are experiencing. Even then I find that neurodivergent young people often can’t find the words to explain their experiences.
Let’s share
This is one of the reasons I am feeling my fear and doing it anyway, and delivering a webinar to parents of young people with ADHD and or autism. I get waves of anxiety when I think about it going wrong, that people will get bored and leave the zoom room or that I will forget everything I wanted to say. However, I know this is my survival response being overprotective as this is a new experience and so my brain is finding lots of ‘what if’ worries to focus on to try and stay safe from these perceived threats.
I want to do this talk, in order to share what I have learned over the 22 years I have parented my autistic/ADHD daughter and the mistakes I have made. I want to share how I now do things differently with my 12 year old autistic/ADHD son. I want parents to have tools and know how to use them. How to find calm at home and when out and about. How to manage their own stresses and also reach acceptance of what life is like when raising children who are different to their neurotypical peers. These strong feelings motivate me to overcome my nerves and own my neurological differences. To be open about my fears and use them to illustrate how to manage these powerful responses in the brain and body.
If you would like to be a part of this FREE webinar, and take away tools to help your autistic and/or ADHD child find more calm, then click on this link to book on. The webinar is on 11th May at 7pm. Come along and see how I manage my fear and hopefully don’t forget everything!
