Finding out I am autistic and have ADHD has changed my life

It is a big statement to make but it is true. I hear this said, or something similar of many of my clients who are on a similar journey of understanding themselves through a neurodivergent lens.

Why are so many of us finding such validation from a label?

For me it was like a light switch had been turned on and all the world looked a more vibrant colour that I could allow myself to see. 

I allowed myself to view my ‘quirky’ and ‘weird’ routines and behaviours as unique and amazing. I understood myself for the first time after a lifetime of anxiety and feeling inadequate 99% of the time.

I had spoken to many Doctors, counsellors, read many self help books and still I struggled. I used extreme exercise, food, even alcohol at times to try and relieve or control my busy mind and anxiety that was present in so many situations. 

Now I have stopped running from myself, literally! I am comfortable in my own skin, I enjoy being alone and I am practising being more authentically me when I am in company too.

Label or not to label that is the question

Labels are not for everyone and I totally respect that. For me the label allows me to voice my needs more easily.

Autism and ADHD have more of a platform now and so labelling myself gives me a language that others are beginning to understand when I use it. The wider knowledge is still limited and I want to be a part, in my small corner of the universe, of changing that. 

I would never have considered myself neurodivergent as I did not fit the mould of the stereo typical ‘rain man’ (an image often unhelpfully portrayed in the media) or a young boy bouncing off the walls at school. However there is so much more to understand about the neurodivergent mind and traits of these conditions that will allow others, especially women, to understand themselves more.

A shadow of a person behind a blue screen that has various coloured splashes and marks of paint across it

Why is it harder for women or girls to recognise autism or ADHD?

The signs are less obvious than they are in boys. 

Camouflaging is a coping mechanism for many females on the spectrum. Camouflaging means to pretend to know how to socialise by using observation, imitation and adopting a persona or wearing a mask to meet social demands. 

I insisted on being called my best friend’s name at primary school because I wanted to be her. I would copy her mannerisms. From the outside this would look like an obsession and often autistic children are given that phrase, which is not helpful. From the inside it just felt like trying to work out how to act and behave.

I will observe any new setting from the sidelines, working out how to interact by watching others before taking my first step of interaction.

As autistic girls we are more likely to conform, be well behaved, making it less likely to be noticed by the teacher other than being an ‘easy student’. That was me, never put a foot wrong and when I did once it mortified me and getting a detention was the worst thing in the world!

Missing out on a diagnosis early in life often means that as women we grow up thinking there is something ‘wrong’ with us and this leads to lots of self harmful behaviours. I now understand those patterns of behaviour and feel more kindness towards myself for everything that has come before my diagnosis. 

I will still mask, camouflage and present as a well put together female, most of the time, but I understand why and I limit the time I do this for. 

I understand that I need to recharge my social battery, eat regularly, exercise moderately and check in with myself when I am struggling to communicate. 

40+ years of masking are hard to undo but for anyone else considering a diagnosis, or wanting to explore the neurodivergent picture for themselves in a safe way then please know it is a challenging journey, but one that leads you to a place of understanding and kindness towards yourself.

I support adults and young people to explore autism and or ADHD and discover personalised tools and techniques that can help navigate life a little easier.

Contact me if you would like to know more.