Neurodivergence, social “politeness”, and the quiet cost to our energy
Something I’ve been noticing more in my work (and in myself) is how often neurodivergent people push past their own limits in social situations, not because they want to, but because of what’s considered socially acceptable.
Staying longer than feels comfortable.
Letting a visit roll into the next day.
Continuing to talk when your energy has clearly shifted.
Not because it feels good, but because leaving, going quiet, or asking for space might be seen as rude. And that cost shows up later.
Less energy the following week.
More worry about friendships.
A heavier mindset instead of a settled one.
What’s often underneath isn’t a lack of care for others, it’s a deep awareness of how we’re perceived.
Many people I work with tell me they feel most at ease with a select few ‘safe people’, not because socialising is easier, but because their differences are already accepted.
There’s less explaining. Less pressure. More freedom to enjoy the time as themselves.
A key moment of insight for many is this:
It may not be socialising itself that drains us, but the effort of managing how we’re seen while doing it.
When energy shifts, the signs are usually there:
wanting to speak less
needing more quiet
feeling internally “done” before the situation ends
The work then becomes noticing that gap, and gently asking:
What would it look like to honour this instead of pushing through it?
This week, I’m encouraging clients (and myself) to look for clues:
When does your energy change?
What stops you from saying something in that moment?
Whose expectations are you carrying?
Learning to speak up about energy isn’t about being difficult.
It’s about self-respect.
And often, it’s the difference between coping… and actually feeling well.
If this resonates, you’re not alone, and you’re not asking for too much.
You’re asking for sustainability.
#adhd #autism #neurodivergence #socialising
