It turns out we can’t have it all
I write this following a wake up call.
It turns out we can’t have everything and focusing 24/7 on work means there are sacrifices.
I think we have been sold the narrative that we can work, have a family, friends, exercise, cook, sort the house out and keep smiling on social media. The truth is that we cannot have it all, something has to give and that feels uncomfortable.
My business is incredibly important to me and taking the leap to be self employed was a scary one but exciting too. I have turned my special interest in life into a job and that is amazing, however it means the lines between work and personal life can become blurred.
I am also autistic and having this diagnosis helps me bring more awareness to how focused I can be for long periods of time. As the Autistic Girls Network put it, I get lost in an ‘attention bubble’ and it is though the outside world isn’t there. This can feel hurtful to those close to me. I am having more awareness of this to help bring some more balance to life, however it takes huge effort to stop this steam train of a brain.
I also have ADHD which means I get super excited with new ideas constantly. This can lead to a scattered mind trying to spin 1000 plates relating to my business.
As human beings some of us have a strong drive to achieve. It is like a switch that cannot be turned off. However there can be a cost to this focused behaviour and unintentional sacrifices.
We cannot change what we are not aware of.
Awareness is key
Bringing conscious awareness to our behaviour patterns can be the first step towards positive change. Even when it feels uncomfortable, noticing our habits and drivers in life can help us to then make more of a choice over what we want to focus our precious energy on.
For me, I have to be more mindful of the signs that I am working too much. Fatigue, excessive brain fog, heightened anxiety and a feeling that I am totally full up to the brim. It is hard to recognise this as stress, as I am enjoying my work, but we can over do it without realising and this can then be stressful. We only have so much capacity.
I like the stress bucket analogy. We fill this bucket on a daily basis with both macro stressors and also micro stressors. Sometimes the micro stressors creep in without us realising. Those little extras in life we are squeezing in each day. They can build and add to the overwhelm without us realising.
Life is so busy and to bring about change we sometimes need to stop. I find this hard and have learned the hard way following a burn out that pausing and stopping isn’t a luxury it is a necessity. I just need to tell my autistic brain that when I have been hyper focusing for 7 hours with no break!
Building a relationship with these parts of ourselves can help reduce the guilt and shame of getting stuck in a certain pattern of behaviour. Noticing what this part is about? What is its driver? What function does it serve for you? This helps to accept this is a part of you and yet you can have more choice over how much it dominates. Having self-compassion allows us to be aware of unhelpful patterns of behaviour and also be kind to ourselves.
Taken from @mindfulenough.
This is a great reminder of ways we can be kind to ourselves when we notice we have gone off course.
Noticing the somatic signs
It can be helpful to notice what our body is telling us, as a way of avoiding burn out and fatigue. I am still learning this myself and so I remind others to look out for how your body could be telling you to slow down.
Our Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) runs in 2 modes. Sympathetic and parasympathetic. The sympathetic mode allows us to be alert and get things done, we need adrenaline to deal with a crisis or meet a deadline. However, when this mode is active for prolonged periods of time this can lead to ‘threat stress’ and our nervous system getting stuck.
We also need to engage the parasympathetic mode as this is how we recharge our energy levels, repair and digest food.
As human beings we are designed to adapt, this is also true for our nervous system. It adapts to the environment and if we are very busy for long periods of time or dealing with stressful situations constantly then our nervous system responds. We can get ‘stuck’ without realising it.
The great thing about the brain and the body is that we can rewire and re adapt. It just takes repetition of a new behaviour.
We may find ourselves wandering back to an old path of behaviour, however we can be reminded that we were on a new path, re orientate and choose different.
This is slightly more challenging if you are neurodivergent as our wiring can lead us into more harmful behaviours as a way of trying to control the chaos or become disconnected from life.
Understanding, acceptance and awareness are key, no matter what your neurotype.
Let’s be more honest. We can’t have it all, but we can keep checking in with those around us and bring more choice to where we place our precious energy, as we don’t have a finite amount of it.
Finding home again.
